| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2007|01:21 am] |
| [ | at the moment... |
| |  excited | ] |
i am DONE with radiation! and most importantly...
i'm DONE WITH MY TREATMENT! today was my last day of radiation. oh god i am sooo happy. i though this day would never come.
i mean, i'm still gonna have a few doctor's appointments and a test or two in the next few months, but who cares. as long as i'm done with treatment.
i feel really strange...but in a good way. i feel empowered.
thank you God.
so i have to get up in 3 hours to leave early for san francisco. i'm gonna be there all week...and then stina & friends & i are leaving for tahoe on sunday. soo excited!!! it took me forever to pack. c'mon, i was packing for two weeks' worth of stuff. do you have any idea how hard that is? for me, especially? cuz i pack more than i need in the first place. so for two weeks...psh. let's just say my bags are overstuffed.
i finally have my life back. and damn does it feel gooood!
<3
p.s. all is gooood with the boy...very good :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2007|01:12 am] |
hiii. haven't written in a while.
i started radiation today. it was...interesting. weird. kinda scary. but not really. no pain. just made me feel crappy the whole day.
so when i was lying there getting radiated, i started feeling really sad. depressed, almost. i dont know why, but at that moment i felt so alone. when i got home, i started to cry. and i couldn't stp. then i fell asleep and slept for like three hours. woke up, and cried some more. i went downstairs, and every little thing set me off and made me cry. i was an emotional wreck. i cried in my car on the way to work, trying as hard as i could not to smudge my eyeliner. and when i got to work, i was still on the verge of tears.
bleh.
i was in such a crappy mood all day. i talked to vanya after work and he made me feel better though. he always does. that boy :) he wants to take me up to their house in clearlake this weekend. i've been there before. it's really nice.
so i can't stand working anymore. i barely made it through my shift tonight. i felt soo sick. i'm gonna be putting my two weeks in this week. except for i might just finish off this week and not come in for my shifts next week. i'll just tell them that i'm just not up to it anymore. they'll understand.
still effin' tired. good night.
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2007|02:11 am] |
i'm going camping with vanya up in mendecino this weekend with a big group of our friends. from friday til monday. and our camping site is right on the beach. niiice. soo excited! especially considering i've never been able to spend so much time with vanya at once. i mean, 4 days in a row? heeaven.
i really should be packing right now. but i get distracted waay too easily. and i'm a freakin' procrastinator.
it's 2:15 and i have to be getting up at 4 to take a shower & get ready, cuz we're leaving at 5 in the morning. cuz my mom has to be at work in sf by 8. aaand i still haven't finished packing. ahaha. something tells me i'm pulling an all-nighter.
well, this should be fun :)
seriously though, i'm psyched.
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2007|12:31 am] |
one more day 'til friday. god tomorrow better go by quickly. this weekend is gonna be awesome. friday with stina & ina, and then santa cruz that night with vanya for our friend's grad party...then saturday is gonna be my day with kimi, yay!!! and then sunday morning work, and after that another grad party to go to with vanya. yea. busy busy weekend. but im heella stoked.
omg, i'm so excited to see vanya. god im such a dork. whenever i haven't seen him for long periods of time, i get all nervous right before i see him...but like, a good nervous, like an all excited & butterfly-in-your-tummies nervous. like a first date kinda feeling. hah. again i am such a dork. but i love it.
friday. come. now.
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2007|10:40 pm] |
i'm pretty freakin scared for radiation. i mean, radiation itself is gonna be easy, but the short & long-term side effects? yea, not so much. so during radiation, since i'll be getting it in my chest & neck, i'll have a hard time swallowing, im gonna be getting constant sore throats, i'll always be coughing, it'll be painful for me to eat at times, and 2-3% of my breathing capacity will be diminished. and i'll be exhausted, but i already knew that. so, for the long-term...i'm gonna have permanent lung damage, i have a greater chance of getting breast cancer in the future, i might have problems with my thyroid, and 10-20+ years down the line, i'm in danger of developing a heart condition. oh, and i might develop emphysema, which is just pretty much a form of lung disease where your breathing is affected. great, huh? yea, needless to say, i am scared shitless.
</3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2007|11:44 pm] |
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work has been going better...but it's still exhausting as fuck. i thought about it long & hard, and talked to my parents, and finally made a decision. while i'm going through radiation, i'm gonna keep my job. cuz i'm stuck here anyway during the week cuz i have to go to radiation every week day...so might as well get money out of it. so i'll keep working all through radiation...which is only gonna be 4 weeks, my doctor told me, yess. so sometime in july, once i'm done with radiation, i'm gonna put in my two weeks notice. that way i have a bit of july and the whole month of august off before i start school. which i'll need because the doctor said that radiation is gonna drain at least 15% of my energy, and it's gonna stay that way for a month after radiation ends, and only then will i get my energy back. so i'm gonna need that month to just chill. because i know that once i start school, life's gonna be pretty hectic. but, in a good way :)
so yea, as of now, that's what i've decided, and i'm happy with that. i'm really gonna miss the people i work with, and making as much money as i do, and being able to buy clothes whenever i want. and i'm just gonna miss being in such a comfortable environment where everybody already knows me so well and gets along with me really well too. but that's life. life changes constantly, and all you can do is go with the flow. i've been working at bebe for almost a year now. and i've been sick the whole time while working there. i worked all through chemo. working at bebe was the one distraction i had in my life for most of my treatment. until easter. until vanya :) so that's another reason for me to move on...it's time to end that chapter in my life. and while it's been a wonderful & unforgettable experience (working at bebe, not chemo hah), it's definitely time to move on to bigger & better things. to things that are a little bit more important. like being able to spend more time with my family, amazing friends, and wonderful boyfriend :) and going back to school, getting ready for my career. and having a normal life again :)
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2007|01:28 am] |
i finally registered for my classes for the fall, yayy. i'm going all out. 16 units bitches. i was gonna take a 17th unit, but i couldnt find a 1-unit class that fit in with my schedule. oh well. so i'm gonna be taking biology, lecture & lab, advanced russian (yes, i know, i'm fluent, but i thought it'd be a good idea to brush up on my grammar), a comms class (intro to public speaking), and then two classes for my apparel marketing & design major, which will be, beginning drawing, and textiles. so definitely a full load there, but i'm actually excited. considering i haven't been going to school since last october. soo definitely ready to get back into the swing of things. and i'm so glad that i can actually take 17 units...for some reason i thought the max we could take was 15. now i know i can for sure graduate in four years.
so tomorrow's friday. payday, woohoo. and i have the day off from a work. a much-needed day off, if i do say so myself. i dont know why, but for some reason, i've seriously like, only been closing lately. i never have day shifts anymore, only evening/closing shifts, which are usually 5-11, but sometimes 4 or even 3-11. yea, sucks doesn't it? i am soo fucking tired of closing. it fucking sucks, soo annoying. and it tires me out so much. and now that im starting radiation next week (oh yea, i have a consultation appt. with my radiation doctor tomorrow morning), i'm gonna be getting exhausted like no other. so i don't even know if i'm gonna have the strength to work...especially closing shifts. and weekends i obviously want to have free so i can actually freakin' see my boyfriend. who lives in san francisco. along with everybody else who i love. wonderful.
and i am freakin alone. here in fucking el dorado hills.
but anyways, as i was saying...so i was looking at my school schedule for the fall...i have no idea how i'm gonna be able to keep my job at bebe and go to school. cuz listen to this...mondays & wednesdays i have classes all day, and i'm out at 4:15. tuesdays & thursdays, same deal, but i'm out at 2:45. and fridays i have off, yess! so anyways, i'd only be able to work from 4-close tuesdays & thursdays, and then mondays & wednesdays i'd only be able to work 5-close. and fridays i could work anytime. but weekends i wouldnt wanna work because that'd be the only time i could see vanya...or any other friends in sf. also, how the fuck am i gonna have the strength to be going to classes all day, then driving straight to work, working til fucking 11, and then going home and, oh yea, homework? when the fuck am i going to find time to do my homework? can you say...STRESSFUL. and i've learned my lesson when it comes to stress. i fucking got cancer cuz of stress...cuz stress made me get sick aaall the freakin time, which led to my immune system shutting down, and your immune system is linked directly to your lymphatic system, which is where i had cancer. so boom. there you go. seriously though, i need to do as much as i can in my power to prevent it from coming back. so i need to keep my life as stress-free as possible. i mean, there's always going to be some stress. but there's no need to be in a stressful situation when you don't have to be.
so the question is...if i'm not gonna be working once school starts, should i just quit now? that way, i'll actually be able to enjoy my summer and hang out with my friends whenever i wanted to. i could take a vacation with friends, family or vanya without having to worry about requesting time off from work first. and i'd have my weekends free. no more of this not being able to see vanya for 2 weeks at a time cuz of fucking work. and no more "oh sorry vanya, yea i really cant go, cuz im supposed to work and cant get anyone to cover my shift." fucking a. so tired of that shit. i mean, yes, i will have a aubstantially less amount of money each month, but honestly, being able to spend time with the people i love, and my health & sanity, mean so much more to me. boohoo i'll have to deal with being broke sometimes. i'll get over it. i've had to before, i can do it again.
now to talk to the parentals about it. lately they've been kinda pushing me to keep my job. idk. they really just don't understand how the whole work situation is stressing me out. and it's not the work i can't handle. it's the consequences of me having to work all the time that i can't handle. me not being able to have a life. or no, my bad, i can have a life, but only when bebe tells me i can. hah.
we'll see what happens. but man. freakin' stressed out.
</3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2007|01:11 am] |
God he's wonderful. really. he's amazing. and i miss him. sooo much.
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2007|01:57 am] |
i am a serious insomniac.
i should stop. but i have a hard time falling asleep. even when i go to sleep this late. or later. whaaat?
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 30th, 2007|01:01 am] |
p.s. i shop too much. not that you can ever shop too much...but i definitely indulge in my fair share of retail therapy.
i bought the cutest & sexiest bra at VS today...it's like this orangey-coral color with pink polka dots on it...its a push-up. and it's satin. just like all the very sexy bras. its from the sexy little things collection. oh, and i got like, matching panties. :D
i spent practically my whole paycheck this weekend...yea that hasn't happened in heeella long. i like, never do that.
oopsies!
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 30th, 2007|12:50 am] |
i...hate...work.
i'll explain later. way too lazy & tired right now.
buuut at least i had an awesome weekend. and things couldn't be better with vanya. and i got to see my boo today! after forever and a half. love her.
but yea. work fucking sucks right now. more on that tomorrow.
nite nite.
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2007|11:36 am] |
| [ | at the moment... |
| | ecstatic | ] |
i am fucking DONE with chemo....DONE!!! i'm so freakin' happy...i was feeling really sick all night but at least i'm feeling better now. last time i ever had to feel sick from chemo (GOD-willing!)
aaaand vanya and i are completely official now. together. the way it happened was so cute.
i'm just so freakin' happy right now :)
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2007|01:44 am] |
i got home from work at 11:30. i am tired & cranky & frustrated. and yet, i'm still not sleeping and it's almost two in the morning. hmm...maybe it's cuz no matter how much freakin sleep i get, its never enough. i'm still always tired. yeaa its called chemooo. a.k.a., the devil incarnate. my hemoglobin's been really low lately. to the point where i almost always feel like i'm about to pass out. fun stuff, right? thank GOD its almost over.
except for, when i start radiation, thats supposed to make me tired too. yess.
</3 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2007|12:02 pm] |
so nice & sunny again...gonna go out tanning...again.
tonight i work from 5-11...what the FUCK. see, because of my stupid district manager, when we close, we're now being scheduled til 11. to "ensure that we do a good job". hah fuck youu. seriously, it pisses me off so much. i already get so tired from working in my condition, especially when i close. and now, i fucking have to be there til 11. omg. im seriously getting so sick of this shit. most of my coworkers are. i wish i could find a normal job where i dont feel like im being slave-driven. i mean, i love working at bebe and all...but its tough. its really physically demanding, no joke. and i mean, you work that hard for not that much money...a good amount, but not that much.
sigh. i really just dont know anymore.
</3 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2007|11:29 pm] |
lonely & tired.
perpetually tired.
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2007|01:54 pm] |
i had a freakin awesome weekend. spent the whole weekend with vanya. and yea. but im not gonna see him for two weeks :( next time i see him though, he's coming up here, and taking me on this camping/river rafting trip thats on american river, so close to my house. we're going there friday and staying til sunday. fuun times.
and...omg. im going down to mexico with him for a week in the beginning of june. with him, his brother, and a big group of his friends from college. i am sooo freakin' excited. beyond excited...im like, elated.
still so tired. just went tanning. its HOT.
my last chemo is this friday. i cant believe its finally here. i have waited for this for sooo long. seems like just yesterday that i still had like 6 left and i had noo idea how i was gonna make it. but i did. thank God.
owwie my head hurts a bit...bleh.
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2007|11:50 pm] |
| [ | at the moment... |
| |  sick | ] |
so i had chemo this morning...and i've been hella sick the whole day. when i got home, i was shivering violently from a high fever, felt like throwing up, had a headache & felt like i was gonna pass out, and im on my period, and i kept coughing. wonderful, right?
so pretty much been feeling like major shizzy the whole day. only kinda starting to feel better now. but still feel kinda like throwing up. bleh.
on the bright side, at least this means i probably wont be feeling sick when hanging out with vanya on sunday. thats always a good thing. ooh god i cant wait til sunday.
owwie, my head...im off to sleep. have to wake up at 9 to see how i'm feeling to decide whether or not i'll be ok enough to go to work...
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|12:36 am] |
| [ | at the moment... |
| |  happy | ] |
owwieee...my tonsils hurt again. they've been hurting for the past few nights. i think vanya got me sicker...hehehe ;)
i miss the boy. but i get to spend the whole day with him on sunday, yay. :) things are so awesome with him, it's unbelievable. i've never felt this way with anyone. and my parents love him. my dad loves him, which is saying something. cuz all my past boyfriends/guys whatever you want to call them, my dad has had more than a few negative things to say about each of them. and as much as i hate to say this, he was right each & every single time. amazing. it's like dad intuition or something. plus, vanya's russian. and no offense to american boys out there, but i've always wanted a nice russian orthodox boy. lol :)
but anyways...so yea. things are wonderful with that :)
had my monthly appt. with my oncologist today...everything was really good. my doctor was kinda jokingly giving me shit cuz i lost more weight since last time...but i was like, i swear, i wasn't trying to! cuz i seriously hadn't been. i've been eating like a pig, and not exercising much. so go figure.
only one more chemo left after this friday, yess!!!
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|11:28 pm] |
omg. omg. omg. OMG. he actually likes me. and i'm not dreaming. i know...i pinched myself. a few times.
i am sooo freakin happy. :)
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2007|11:43 pm] |
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. i'm so not a patient person. i hate waiting. and feeling helpless.
<3 |
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